Memoirs of my boulevard

I gave my all until I had no more, But still, I wasn’t enough for you. Now I’m letting go, though the ache remains, The silence heavy where love once grew. I untangle the ties and walk away, But sorrow lingers, whispering in my peace.

In the depths of a heart that beats for another, I dwell in shadows of a love unreturned, Every hour a whisper of what could never be, A fleeting dream shattered by reality's stern decree. Each glance, each touch, a bittersweet dance, A blessing wrapped in the anguish of chance, Fueling flames of hope, a cruel paradox, Kindling warmth, yet leaving scars that mock.

Chaos inside I am everywhere and nowhere. I am limitless yet tethered I am willingly losing control but the fear balances on my edge… I cannot lose control, again, and the confusion makes me afraid. You asked me how I was doing. Immediately my throat caught and my eyes watered. I felt lonely. I was here filling a void in your transition I felt lost. But I didn't dare steal your happiness. Because that's what I thought you were; happy without me. I felt weak. I felt strange without anyone to talk to, so I talked to myself and bottled up my feelings. You didn't listen anymore, or you pretended to and I felt the pretense But I didn't dare to try to attract your attention. Because I knew that you wouldn't notice. So I blinked back the tears. "I'm fine."

I have been here before. It smelt like roses crying red tears I have been here before, The sky is grey as it was in the morning... I have been here before. Standing in the same spot and in the same rain I have been here before, No longer can tell if it's just rain, piss or tears And yet all I know is......I have been here...

I used to think that love was a partnership A 50-50 alley way Until i was drained and my eyes opened I was naive to think that I could be loved My cup ran dry I hoped you would fill me up Only to realise that you also wanted to break my cup I had nothing to give anymore And even still you chose everything else And even still you chose everyone else It was hard being left out in the cold I feel blinded, I can’t find my way

It’s like something wants to come up, Like a volcano that’s ready to erupt, Everything that’s been sunk and saturated full, It’s getting ready to finally burst my soul, I didn’t want to shut it all up, My brain was a sponge at every turn, I tried so hard to pull it out with my strength, But I underestimated the length of my pain, I feel myself circling the truth narrowing in on the target spitting and spewing excuses like darts ruining a blameless wall until…..bullseye! I've never been good enough…

There is an emptiness that stems from recognizing the impossibility of being part of someone else’s internal world, of having your own personal urges exist outside yourself. The unrequited love, not seeing those romantic feelings reflected in the other person’s eyes. The coldness in their hands when they touch you. The disparity between the truth that she yearns for and the truth the world hands her: truth as love, and truth as harsh reality. It's strange that feelings so immense can go unnoticed. Rendered even stranger, perhaps, by the fact that he appears to be similarly reclusive - living in his own shadows, oblivious to her feelings and all that she offers him...